The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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