i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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