found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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