I will die if light touches me.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
