He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Sext me about skeletons
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
