Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
