The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
