Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
