apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
