im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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