I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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