I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
