Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i think my tv is drunk
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
