She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
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the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
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It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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