So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
