I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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