Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
