genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
