Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
