We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
