I can text with my tongue
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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