her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
The air was thick with penises
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
