Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
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