I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.