i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
