He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
