we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
