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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
