Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
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you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
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you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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