I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
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