a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
