You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
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Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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