theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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