someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
