Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
A bitchslap is in order.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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