in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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