this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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