I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
