He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
i now understand why vodka
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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