i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
