just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
