Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
