alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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