I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
