My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
