Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
