Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
