Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
