I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
