finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
