Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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