So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
