There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
