Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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